They weren't kidding when they said life goes fast. Twenty-two & graduated. I feel wiser, I feel more competent, I feel like my art is fewer & farther between & my abilities are like an Atlantis I must fish out in a fit of passion, lest they stay buried and I just dream up ideas all day that never get done. My professors & colleagues would never guess that train-wreck origins I also graduated from. So I've obviously grown a new skin. This time, it wasn't on purpose; I just left it on the coat-rack at home, because I knew, I knew there was no use dragging it on the ground while I tried to make a life for myself.
This academic year was a challenge. I started with an ER visit, which resulted in a once-a-month visit to the doctor, and I ended in May with another ER visit. I'm closer to getting back to normal, but I've never been so afraid of death & not living it up until old age until now. & so I underwent a huge emotional voyage over the winter months. I called myself Dante (
crypticshadows.deviantart.com/… ) & headbutted my inner demons, while also dragging some physical characters into the mix for answers... some which were the hardest I've ever swallowed. As I crawl out out of the last few layers, I feel more bulletproof, but I think I left a part of myself there. & really, I ask how is anyone different, anyway. Except that this is mine & mine alone & I'll tell myself I'm important enough. Damaged goods are important enough.
& all that
complaining sounds pretty awful, but I am closer to feeling content more than I ever have. & I have a bite in my attitude I can control with wisdom. & a passion for wanting something better, for wanting a better world, no matter how futile it really is. It's been 7 years since I started my DA account & that also marks when I first started to let people in clips and pieces see me for me, no matter how rebellious and immature and searching I was. (It's been 7 years for a lot of things.) The feedback, the simple observations, from strangers & friends has been greatly appreciated. An old friend once accused one of my weaknesses as letting everyone in. Maybe that's true. But there are few people I actually miss; Instead, exchanged words and experiences have added positive energy to my jaded foundation.
And thus, the point to this long & drawn out, probably not-read-by-many journal is to come closer to the DA conclusion of my online persona, angst-influenced art, & academic youth. I will continue my photography & modeling, but I will probably be moving to writerscafe for more productive feedback on writing & in order to separate both these art forms. I'm closing the vault for many of my older works & will be removing a lot of poetry. If you'd like to connect with my on writerscafe, send me a message & I'll give you my sn.
I will probably be quieter on here now. Who knows when & if there will be another journal entry. I hope to present myself through my deviations. In everything, I hope to get better & better.
Thanks for listening, watching, & following. For me, it's just the beginning to a new chapter.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=0x6PhH… Graduation, Gemini"Once We Know"
crypticshadows.deviantart.com/… - Concluding piece to this lifelong journey
www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdZB46…
